Profile reactions

Ellie’s Profile:
Wow! This is an incredible tale of a woman so passionate about the sanctity
of life and bringing children into this world. Great use of detail—as a reader, I felt as
though I too was standing on the sidewalk in front of Planned Parenthood. I
pictured the green mustang, women getting in and out of the thrive van, and
Maschmeier’s strong personality through your use of elective quotes and stories
from the past.
The structure of the piece was strong, and grabbed my attention from the
start. The one detail I might have liked to read more about is the relationship
between Maschmeier and the twins she adopted. Do they know how they came to be
with their adopted mother? Are they proud of her involvement as a pro-life activist?
Might have been interesting to hear about.

Ellie –
First of all, you picked by far the most interesting person to profile – I was jealous when I heard you
had found such an intriguing character! With that, you didn’t waste her – I found your story easy
to read, especially fascinating, and filled with details. I think your use of Mary’s dialogue allowed
your details and descriptions to speak for themselves – you let us get to know and understand Mary
through her words, not yours. With that, however, I think you held a perfect presence in the story,
sharing just what Mary may not have mentioned and sometimes describing for us the larger picture.
Thanks for such a good read!

Ellie’s profile:
The descriptions were good: blue banner on yellow brick building, Mary’s outfit, her scent, etc. The story was filled with Mary’s direct quotes, which helped form her persona. Ellie did a good job capturing Mary’s character and showing how strong she feels about her work and efforts to change women’s minds. I’d like to know more about her success stories and/or challenges (such as arrests pertaining to protests). I also liked the action showed with the cars coming into the parking lot, speeding up to the door of the building, and those who stopped to listen. That made the
story more real and helped convey what Mary experiences.

Ellie
Great imagery. I really got a sense of all the colors there – the “blue letters on glossy
white cardboard.” I also really liked the lede, how the banner “taunts” Mary. It set a great scene and then kept me wanting to read more. Then you give a little background and bring it back nicely to the here and now. The description of the couple going into the van had me interested the most. I thought the piece balanced nicely between Mary’s back story and tangible action (like the van scene). My only criticism is the ending – I don’t think you need the last paragraph. You’ve shown the
reader what Mary does, and you’ve described it well, let them decide or not decide if she has any “influence.” The ending paragraph seemed kind of forced.

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Steven’s profile:
Great introductory paragraphs! It had good pacing and was structured in
such a way that would grab the reader’s attention. He “marshals the mustard.”
Nothing like some good alliteration. Great use of descriptive detail-- “On an arctic
night like this..”
Great use of Adam’s quotes. For example, “kind of like in top gun,” when he’s
referring to his dad, and telling you he was an eagle scout—reading that brought a
smile to my face, because I could picture his sweet personality coming through in a
comment like that. Also, you can sense his pride about his father. All in all, your
smart choices in what quotes and personal details to divulge, for example, that he
writes poetry, gave me a great sense of who Adam is, and by the end, I cared about
him.
I wanted to hear a little bit more about his relationship with his son. A story
about the two of them together? What’s it like being a single parent? But all in all, a
story well told, and something I really enjoyed reading.

Steven’s profile:
Very well-written! It’s clear, concise, entertaining, and quite readable. The physical descriptions were nice: “black jacket too thin for mid-February night.” The aroma was used well too, not only can the reader identify the smell of sizzling onions; it also plays into Adam’s method of luring customers. The withholding of information about Adam’s life and interests worked. He’s selling hot dogs with $1 in his savings account, his background is ironic, and his future endeavor seems like a far cry from a hot god cart. Interesting character.

Steven
The details of scene in this profile are great, really grounding it in the real world. Not only
does the reader see what it’s like physically to sell hotdogs on the loop, they know a bit of the
financial aspect too, at least for Adam. I also appreciate your varied use of language, as in the
phrase “marshals the mustards” (that’s probably my favorite). In the beginning, I think the
paragragh, “What kind of night will it be?” is out of place in its current position. It’s a little too
blunt for my taste, and doesn’t relate to the paragraphs directly before or after it. If you do want
a sentence like that, I think it might go better after the paragraph explaining what a good night
is and what he can expect tonight. Also, we’re not told Joe has shown up with the tongs until
he speaks. And the tongs are magically there. The whole profile feels like a conversation with
Adam in the course of the night, which I like. It’s part of the scene establishment that puts the
reader on Delmar with Adam and makes this an enjoyable read.

Steven –
I thought you did a really nice job with this profile. Not only was Adam the hotdog guy a captivating
character, but you made the piece incredibly interesting. I particularly enjoyed the opening. It showed
me that you took time to get to know Adam and had a firm grasp of what a normal night of his is like.
With that, I thought your details throughout the story were telling and unique – I felt like I, too, knew
Adam by the end. Your use of dialogue was consistent and “just enough” throughout the story. It was a pleasure to read.

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Rick’s Profile:
This story is incredibly well-written. The writing style and structure were
enough to make you want to read on, even if you have no idea who Stan was or what
his life was about. Vikki’s description struck me the most: “the smoky timbre of
her voice hiding her heritage..” Amazing! Great description of the MAC as well—St.
Louisans will read that and think, ‘So true.’
It must have been really difficult to write about someone who is deceased,
but this still does Musial’s memory justice. After reading it, I kind of wanted to read
a separate narrative on Vikki since you did such a great job detailing her persona.

Rick
The scene you set at the beginning of the profile is great, but it could be even better if it was all
in present tense and without the “there is” structure, turning it into a more active scene. I would
also recommend breaking up your paragraphs more. They are quite long for a newspaper article,
and not necessarily focused on the same topic, which gives them natural places to be broken up.
I think shorter paragraphs could also function as a tool to improve continuity in the narrative
episodes, because with one idea or action per paragraph, it would be easier to see the order they
make the most sense in. I think this could particularly help the description of how Stan Musial
interacts with the children at the MAC. On the subject of the MAC, I would like just a little
more clarification about who can be members. Is it for elite athletes or upper-class people and
families who happen to be active in sports of any kind? I like how the profile balances a macro
and micro view of Stan Musial—telling the reader about his career and his behavior in a specific
relaxed setting. In general, streamlining the writing and making it more active rather than
passive would enhance the profile’s interesting subject.

Rick –
Nice job with this story. Stan was an interesting character and your details about him were especially
telling. I have a few suggestions for you upon final revision: 1) the opening sentence was a little
confusing, so maybe just iron that out; 2) describe MAC sooner! I was a little bit lost for the first few
pages; 3) be careful not to use clichés – they aren’t worth it especially because most of your piece
was so well written; 4) try to add more quotes! It’s always nice to get to know someone through their
dialogue. Thanks for such a good read!
Rick’s profile:
I like the line, “They would walk taller, speak softer, and laugh harder,” when referring to people’s reactions to Stan’s arrival in the MAC. Although I enjoyed reading the article, I’m not quite sure if the profile is about the waitress or Stan’s reputation. I’d like to know more about Vicky: her appearance, her life, etc. Stan’s personality and the restaurant’s catering to him were described very well.

Rick
I really enjoyed your description of Vicky. I felt like I real could hear her “slight rasp
from kicking the habit.” I also think you did a nice job of revealing Stan Musial’s
character while still keeping Vicky at the center of the story, which wasn’t easy. It’s
nice to see a famous person through a layperson’s eyes (kind of reminds me of the
JFK gravedigger story). Some of your verb tenses confused me, and I think you use
“is” instead of more active verbs too often.

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Sydney’s profile:
My favorite part about this story was reading about the relationships this
officer develops with WashU students. It’s interesting to read about an authoritative
figure who doesn’t abuse his power, or try and make students feel a sense of fear or
something along those lines—which can happen on college campuses with officers
and security.
Since there was no traumatic or big event that happened with a student
where he had to be involved, maybe you could ask him to tell you a story about an
event in the past that would help give some more action to the story. It was great to
read about his philosophy with his job, and how he came to be a part of WUPD, but
maybe you could try to provide a past occurrence that was different than an
everyday interaction with a student.

Sydney
The beginning of your profile captures great action, but right before the last sentence of the first
paragraph it shifts from Bear’s Den to his office (apparently) without signaling this shift and
orienting the reader in the new setting. The description of Officer Bob in relation to his gun is
particularly effective, putting the general statements about his friendliness in context. For further
description, I’d like to hear his “subtle Midwestern accent.” If it’s subtle, how do you notice it?
The story of how he became a police officer is great, but it’s not necessary to begin it twice, first
in summary and then with his quotes. This pattern, summary of something Officer Bob said and
then the same information in a quote, occurs a few times, and the repetition is unnecessary and
bogs down the story. In general, I suggest omitting the quotes for your adequate summaries, so
that Officer Bob’s interesting quotes receive more emphasis when they come up.

Sydney –
I was so excited when you chose to write about Officer Bob – he truly is the life of Bears Den. With
that, I thought you did a great job portraying him as such – an ally for all WashU students. A few
suggestions I have are as follows: 1) watch out for keeping your tense consistent; 2) analyze quotes
a little bit more – some seemed to be sprinkled in there just to get them on the page, but they didn’t
necessarily fit; and 3) be careful not to repeat stories or topics, which I felt happened a couple times.
Thanks for a great read!

Sydney’s profile:
The first sentence is kind of an eyeful, a lot of commas, quotations, and words. Having this as the leading sentence makes it a bumpy start for the reader. It’s important to note that he goes by Officer Bob, but maybe wait to note that later in the paragraph. Good job showing his physical description and mannerisms. It’s nice to read his side ofthe conversation since he seemingly offered quite a bit to say. It shows much of his caring personality. The ending line is awesome! Great way to end the article.

Sydney
You show us, rather than telling us, about Officer Bob’s congenial and fun nature.
Great description of him sitting with his legs crossed, or leaning against the wall –
you can really see how he’s laidback and enjoys what he does. “It would be difficult
to picture Officer Bob using the gun secured in his holster” is a really great line too. I
know Bob probably wouldn’t discuss the more gritty aspects of his job, but that’s the
major piece missing here. Other than giving hugs and patrolling, has he ever had to
crack some skulls?

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Stacy’s profile:
This was a really great read. The part where my ears, or eyes, perked up the
most, was when I read that she had a child with autism. I loved reading about what
she’s like at work, how she remembers past customers, and has an outgoing positive
attitude. This is the story that reminds you that everyone has..well.. a story.
I liked the inclusion of details about her sons—it made the story that much
more personal—especially reading she almost lost a child in a terrible accident, and
her youngest has autism. Given her loving and affectionate characteristics as a
person, I imagine she is that way as a mother. What is it like to raise a child that
doesn’t emote? Maybe more detail in that regard? Other than that, the story flowed
well, and was organized in such a way that I wanted to keep reading the whole time.
Great work!

Stacey
The very first sentence of the profile, Tammy in action, is a great scene-setter. I suggest
continuing the scene in the beginning, and letting the information about North Campus come
a little bit later. Also, the fact that she remembers the names and regular orders of hundreds
of employees deserves more emphasis. The description of Tammy as living in Spanish Lake
doesn’t really tell me anything about her, but perhaps there’s a meaning for Spanish Lake I’m
not aware of. The introduction of Tammy’s role as the mother on an autistic child adds another
dimension to this story about a Dining Services. You might consider hinting at this other side
earlier in the profile to hook the reader. I’m interested in her decision to view her child as a
blessing, and what triggered that for her. Are there specific illustrations of how she struggled
and then reached a breakthrough? This story is not just about a friendly Dining Services worker,
but about the complexity of the lives of people we interact with every day but don’t always
consider. I would suggest making this message a little more explicit, especially in the beginning
of the profile.
Stacey –
I know that your initial profile choice didn’t work out, but I must say Tammy’s story was incredibly
interesting. I loved that you used Tammy’s warm greeting as the opening line, as it allowed the reader
to immediate meet Tammy and understand her infectious warmth. That you decided to start by
showing us how happy Tammy seems to be and then wait to share how difficult her life actually is
made for a shocking middle portion of your piece, which I enjoyed a lot. In addition, I found your tone throughout perfect, for it matched the content. Nice job!
Stacey
I really like how you brought Tammy’s environment to life: “generic Pam” spray
for the “breakfast burritos.” Sweeping on the “eggshell tile floor.” From the start I
wanted to know more about Tammy. And you did a nice job showing she has a lot of
reasons not to be so cheerful. But I don’t think it was necessary to spell that out at
the end. Let the reader see it through the details you provide.

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Lexi’s profile:
This is a really sweet story—Debbie comes across as a darling, humble
elderly woman who truly enjoys her job. I enjoyed hearing her thoughts on her
interactions with students as well as her daily routine as the WashU librarian.
Strong use of details and quotes.
I was a little curious what her life was like outside of being a librarian. Or, for
there to have been a little more backstory to help the reader get a sense of her
upbringing or culture. Other than that, the reader gets a great sense of the Debbie’s
professional environment! Great job!

Lexi
I think your profile of Deborah Katz is an interesting portrayal of someone whose world is
changing. It would be great to introduce this hook explicitly for the reader early on, giving some
intimation that the profile is not just about this one librarian, it’s about a threatened profession.
Introducing this tension and even emphasizing it more would heighten the drama and excitement
of the profile. Debbie is, after all, excited about her work, and it would be great for the reader
to catch some of her enthusiasm. The drama could start at the very beginning of the profile,
with a description of her office designed for visitors that don’t come. It could even work well to
hear about what the field was like when she started out as a reference librarian, quantifying and
describing the changes she has seen more concretely. The reader doesn’t really find out more
than they can assume about what Debbie has experienced as a librarian at the beginning of the
digital age. Examples would show the reader what it means to Debbie when she says, “My job
has changed.”

Lexi’s profile:
For the lead sentence, consider saving the “thin, soft-spoken, gentle woman,” part until later. Maybe just the action of clipping her hair back is enough for that point. Although the way it is now does indicate her quiet persona right off the bat. Her love of her work is clearly conveyed, as well as her concern with technology. I like the subtle actions Debbie makes, like taking her glasses off. That makes the reader feel like they can see her while she’s talking. Great job capturing her background, work ethic, and outlook on life.

Lexi
Great description of Deborah right in the lede – you can really see her thick gray curls. And then you bring us right into her “softly lit” office with all the wood, which really puts the reader right there. I was most interested in the story when she was talking about what it’s like to be a librarian in today’s digital age. I think that might be the more newsy peg to your story, and I would have liked to see that earlier/more central to the overall story. One criticism is that you do quote Debbie quite a
bit, which was nice at times but at other seemed like too much. I also loved the detail
about her using a Kindle.
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Liz
This profile contains a lot of information about the logistics of Ruth Murray’s nursing career,
and seems to be very thorough. However, what I’d really like to know is why she wanted to be a
nurse from an early age and never changed her mind. Did she ever consider anything different?
(She does mention an interest in environmental activism.) At the end of her career, what affected
her the most? I’d like more emotional context than information, and currently the profile seems
very information-heavy. I do appreciate the stories about Murray’s two patients towards the
beginning, but I’d like to see them placed in context of her nursing career. Were these the two
most (or two of the more) memorable or challenging, and why? Why the focus on these two
patients? I think interspersing patient stories among the concrete information of the profile
would introduce helpful variation for the profile, and give background and illustration to the
thorough facts that are present.

Liz –
I thought your profile was very good! I liked your use of dialogue and telling details throughout. A few suggestions I have would be to let us get to know Dr. Murray a little sooner. You kept mentioning her surgery and other parts of her life without explaining them until later, which made me feel left out as a reader.
With that, I thought there were a bunch of fabulous details that should have come sooner just to let us
get to know Dr. Murray better – waiting until the end to share where and how she lives seems futile.
Thanks for an interesting read!

Liz’s profile:
The opening scene is a great hook, and the references to their lasting relationship also added to the nurse’s overall profile. Some of Murray’s educational background info maybe could have been introduced a little earlier than it was, just to allow readers to understand credentials? Not a big deal though. Great description of her home. She sounds like a remarkable woman!

Liz
Really nice use of language – “So Murray continued to write. And write.” I was slightly confused by the paragraph starting with, “It was the early 1970s…” because I wasn’t sure how it related back to the lede until I read it more than once. I think you do a great job capturing Ruth’s voice, and give a nice portrait of her “glorious toothy smile.” I also really enjoyed the description of her house, and the detail you provide about the 51 get well cards. I would consider rethinking structure though.
I felt like I was reading for a long time before I knew why Ruth was important – her prolific amount of writing. The first half left me wondering why Ruth was special, but then once I got there, I liked the rest of the piece.